I'm Ready

I was just walking home from the bus stop and thinking about how shitty my friends are and how...

Wed, 01 May 2013 22:23:00 -0400

I was just walking home from the bus stop and thinking about how shitty my friends are and how badly I want to look up from the pavement and see an ambulance parked outside my house, wheeling off a body bag. And then I actually looked up and my dad was in the car, getting the mail from the mailbox, so I just got in and he drove us the ten seconds home.

And I just want to go to Wendy’s with my boyfriend and smile at him when I get bloated. And I just want to go to my best friend’s house and lie in her bed and watch movies. And I just want my best friend to come over and gossip in my basement while watching the movie network.

I just want everything to go back to normal.

Today my math teacher was telling us that we should have one personal object with us during tests, that aren’t math related. He explained that when we’re freaking out while writing it, we can just hold or look at that object and it’ll bring us back to reality. But I don’t know know if that’s the same with real life, y’know? I don’t know if I can carry an object around with me everyday and have it ground me. What if the ground is unstable and what if there is no ground?

And it seems like nothing really makes me happy right now. I miss having Roger hold me for a minute and just feeling secure. I miss lying next to Sabrina in bed and feeling at home. I miss sitting with Silvia in my basement and feeling ruthless.

So uh. Things were pretty shitty with us this week tbh. We fought every day and I was really mean...

Sat, 26 Jan 2013 22:42:29 -0500

So uh. Things were pretty shitty with us this week tbh. We fought every day and I was really mean and we were both getting fed up with this whole not talking for long periods throughout the day thing. But we talked from 11-4:30 last night and everything’s perfect again, which is really nice. Really good to get back to us.

It really sucks that his mum doesn’t like me. I never even met the woman or have said anything...

Thu, 22 Nov 2012 23:21:25 -0500

It really sucks that his mum doesn’t like me. I never even met the woman or have said anything to her. I don’t even know what she looks like. But I know this is going to prevent us from hanging out one day.

I think the thing that’s really keeping me from cutting again is knowing how angry he’d...

Wed, 21 Nov 2012 19:43:32 -0500

I think the thing that’s really keeping me from cutting again is knowing how angry he’d be at me. And I just couldn’t do that to him. I’m just trying my hardest not to mess up and lose everything.

I say shit like that because it doesn’t affect you. Because it doesn’t matter if I say...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 21:43:04 -0500

I say shit like that because it doesn’t affect you. Because it doesn’t matter if I say it. Because you don’t care. You never god damn care. You’re never jealous or insecure and that actually sucks because it makes it seems that you don’t care. And maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t.

Not even going to lie, there’s a high chance that I’ma going to fuck myself up in the...

Wed, 07 Nov 2012 21:38:58 -0500

Not even going to lie, there’s a high chance that I’ma going to fuck myself up in the next month if this doesn’t work out.

Today after school was really nice. I love hugging him around his torso and having him kiss my head...

Tue, 23 Oct 2012 23:55:07 -0400

Today after school was really nice. I love hugging him around his torso and having him kiss my head like he use to. I miss us and feeling like something more than alone.

You’re a fuck up Alex, did you know that? You’re not smart at all. You’re just a...

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 21:54:00 -0400

You’re a fuck up Alex, did you know that? You’re not smart at all. You’re just a complete fuck up that’s not going to amount to anything. You’re not going to get into college and you’re not going to be loved because you’re too stupid and ugly for that. You’re a fuck up, Alex and a huge fucking disappointment to everyone around you. Congrats.

Feeling pretty alone. To the point where even Roger doesn’t understand.

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 20:40:30 -0400

Feeling pretty alone. To the point where even Roger doesn’t understand.

I don’t know when my life decisions started to concern you. I don’t approve of a lot of...

Sun, 21 Oct 2012 00:56:36 -0400

I don’t know when my life decisions started to concern you. I don’t approve of a lot of shit you’ve done, but I keep my mouth shut and don’t tell you you’re an idiot or act like a complete bitch to you. I mean, I have Sabrina for that and even then it’s respectable because she’s not a dick that’s letting unacceptable shit fly by.

You’re a cutie and yesterday was really nice. I love you a lot and I love you hugging you....

Sat, 13 Oct 2012 22:18:00 -0400

You’re a cutie and yesterday was really nice. I love you a lot and I love you hugging you. And I love that you came for me because you knew I missed you. And I like that you sat next to me and let me do everything I wasn’t suppose to do. It feels really right holding your hand and just letting a few fingers intertwine at first. But I really wanted to kiss you sweetly and do that content smile we both always do after it. Miss the lips that made me fly~ But I love you. And I loved how you called me today to say t hat you had to go study and we just kept saying “I love you” to each other. And I love that you say “I love you” now and that I’m the only girl that you say it too. But I’m sorry I ruined it for you because you wanted to only say it to the future girl you’re actually in love with. But I loved how this went:

him: I love you so much!
me: I love you more!

And then in a serious voice you said:

him: I really really do love you.

And I just think we’re perfect.

Being completely honest and gross and sexual and I don’t think friends should actually read this: But shit, I miss being sexual and making out. Like fuuuuuck, I miss aggressive kissing and getting my butt and boobs squeezed and pulling on whatever hair you had and digging my nails into your back and biting and kissing each others necks and just being rough with each other. Omg. We got so good at sexual stuff.

ahhhh, I love him so much it’s not even fair. me: Whorehim: What did I do? :(me: You’re...

Tue, 09 Oct 2012 20:35:36 -0400

ahhhh, I love him so much it’s not even fair.

me: Whore
him: What did I do? :(
me: You’re all sexy. :(
him: Honestly, look who’s talking! XD
me: The huge thighs girl. :(
him: Okay stop! Your thighs are perfect :). And honestly there is nothing even wrong with big thighs. But whenever I saw yours I never thought they were big at all xP. And it’s “the girl with amazing breasts and an amazing bum with an adorable face” :)
me: I love you so much. :)
him: I love you even more. :D And you’re perfect OK? Don’t ever doubt that :)

I am so in love with him omg. Why can’t we just date omg

Had a pretty weird shower two days ago. Just going to leave what I told Roger here. “Had a...

Sun, 07 Oct 2012 00:35:01 -0400

Had a pretty weird shower two days ago. Just going to leave what I told Roger here.

“Had a really weird mood swing in the shower. xP Like I just shut down and my arms felt heavy, so I couldn’t lift them to wash my hair. And I was thinking “if I just drowned myself right now, it’d all be over with”. And I just stood there for a good three minutes thinking about ti before I pushed myself to finish the shower. But I’m okay now, love. Just told you because you told me to you when stuff like this happens. xP”

I know he doesn’t know what to say and that it scares him, because it honestly scares me too. I didn’t know this was going to happen. I didn’t know it’d be so hard. But I’m just not happy anymore at all.

I’m going to be honest with you. At least twice a day I’ll like “why am I still...

Thu, 27 Sep 2012 20:43:00 -0400

I’m going to be honest with you. At least twice a day I’ll like “why am I still alive?” or “why do I continue to do this?”. Just want to sit out from life for a bit.

And I know this seems extreme, but whateves, it happens.

This is real, this is me. Omg I had too.

I hate how you don’t miss me like I miss you or need me like I need you.

Sun, 23 Sep 2012 23:16:15 -0400

I hate how you don’t miss me like I miss you or need me like I need you.

And it sucks knowing that your days are aklfjslkafjsa great without me and that you’re fine...

Sat, 22 Sep 2012 00:05:27 -0400

And it sucks knowing that your days are aklfjslkafjsa great without me and that you’re fine without me and that everything’s really good without me and that nothings changed and I want to hate you with every fibre of my being.

I’m going to be honest. Like shit. I come first, I hope you realise that. I’m not...

Wed, 19 Sep 2012 22:40:49 -0400

I’m going to be honest. Like shit. I come first, I hope you realise that. I’m not even being cocky or something, it’s just true. Like I’m way ahead of you on the scale of friendship. So if you tell me that he showed you his abs, you should be aware that I’m going to tell him that because his body’s still “mine” and I do get protective. But you honestly aklsjflsakj you’re so stupid, why would you even lie about that and then get mad at me for telling him your lie. Like honestly, it’s your fault so don’t go stopping in the halls and looking at me like you’re going to talk to me and then stopping me when I say “hi and saying “no, no, no, I don’t want to talk to you.”. Omg you’re so stupid. Of course he’s going to get mad if you lie to me about something like that.

omg you’re so stupid.

I’m such a mess right now. I use to be really calm and chill and shit, but now I’m...

Tue, 11 Sep 2012 19:43:21 -0400

I’m such a mess right now.

I use to be really calm and chill and shit, but now I’m just trying to cover up being miserable by being annoying and making stupid jokes.

I just want to hold his hand.

You know what would be good? If I could actually get what I wanted for once.

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 23:48:40 -0400

You know what would be good?

If I could actually get what I wanted for once.

Monday. That’s when I know that we’re over.

Sun, 09 Sep 2012 00:17:31 -0400

Monday. That’s when I know that we’re over.